My husband and I met in 1988 and married in 1995, before I realized the extent of his addiction. An accidental discovery of two carefully hidden, large empty liquor bottles in the trash in 1996 opened my eyes to the truth. He made several attempts to stop drinking over the next 11 years until he died in 2007. We separated four different times, which added up to about one-third of our marriage, because he had been drinking and driving. Although he died after he had relapsed again, and there were many times of anguish and despair along the way, I am not weighed down by the experience now. The marriage was not a mistake. I believe in my heart that God brought us together. We loved each other, and we had many happy times together. In addition, I had my own healing to do from my childhood experiences, and this journey with my husband is what helped me.
I have kept a journal throughout my adult life and I also write what happens each day on a calendar. This document comes from these recollections.
Some obvious questions before I share the details of my story:
How did I not see that alcohol was causing my husband’s personality changes and unreasonable anger?
- Up until the time I met my husband, I hadn’t had any long-term experience in my life with alcoholics.
Why did I want to get married in the first place, when there were so many rocky times while we were dating?
- First, we were a match in body, mind, and spirit. We had just about everything in common, including a faith tradition. We enjoyed each other’s company. He had a wonderful sense of humor and frequently made me laugh. The day in and day out of life was plenty for us. We didn’t need outside circumstances to be exciting or glamorous to have a great time. Just being together was all we needed. I felt a deep peace when we were in sync. I believed God had brought us together. I think of these factors as “glue” and it was always there, even during the dark times.
- Second, my own childhood experiences with trauma and abuse, resulting from damaged parents who were struggling with their own significant unresolved childhood traumas, caused me to grow up pre-programmed to “rescue” others. Although counseling before I met my husband helped me to deal with some issues, it was only in the marriage that I confronted the deepest scars.
Why did I continue to stay in the marriage?
- I knew my husband’s family had a history of depression and alcoholism. I could understand where the coping mechanism was coming from.
- I had my own experiences with addictions before I met my husband. They did not involve the use of chemicals, but the distorted thinking, emotions, and decisions were similar. Thanks to excellent counseling, I was on the road to healing before I met my husband. However, I remembered what it felt like to not be in control of my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I could relate to and identify with what my husband was going through. I was less judgmental and more willing to hang in there and hope he would embrace recovery. Plus, the love never left.
- I knew addiction was an illness, not a failure of willpower.
- I loved him with all of my heart, and I wanted him to be well. I could see that he was making an effort to do better some of the time. We were able to treat each other with respect much of the time. We mostly stayed away from inflicting emotional pain in retaliation, and when it happened, we apologized.
- I made a solemn vow before God to love my husband in sickness and health until death, and I meant it with all my heart. I prayed constantly about what to do, and it didn’t feel like I was getting the message from God that I could proceed with a divorce until after my husband’s father died. Only then, after another terrible episode of drinking and driving, was I ready to state the ultimatum that he enter a longer-term residential treatment program or I would seek a divorce. He agreed to treatment.
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